Question:
“How do we handle the kids wanting to buy something in every single shop and then being cranky when we say no to some things?”
Answer:
Take a photo of the child holding the item and tell them it is going in the album on your phone called WISH LIST.
Make albums for each kid if you want to go deeper.
That list can then be given to grandparents around birthdays, or be used towards a Xmas wish list etc.
But on a vacation or trip specifically:
Have you or (the eldest child if possible and they want to) keep track of the item, cost and store location.
Then when you have 4 days left in your trip, or at the end of the week/month, you look at all their “Wish List” item photos and they can pick.
You can either give them a ‘1 toy budget’ or a certain amount of money to each spend.
What’s Really Going On
Part of what they want is to feel seen and believe that they matter. In the same way if you kept asking your partner for things you wanted to buy… and they kept saying no, or shooting everything down immediately, it would make you feel unseen/unheard/not worthy of having an opinion to be listened to.
However, if your partner said, “yes, great idea, write it down or take a photo of it, and then at the end of the week, we can look at all the things and then you can prioritize/decide what you want now vs what can wait.” So…
Part 1: know that their request to buy something is more around wondering: ‘do i matter? am i seen? is what i want important to you, parent?’
Yes.
How do i show that/prove it?
By taking a photo of the item and writing it down on the Very Important List of Things, to PROVE to you that I am taking this seriously and what you want and wish for, matters to me.
Part 2: I (as the parent) need to understand that impulse control is REALLY hard as a kid because they don’t yet have the brain hardware that enables them to delay gratification.
And when I say ‘kid’, lets remind ourselves that the brain doesn’t fully develop the hardware required for patience and delayed gratification…. until age 26-28!
So to me, being able to delay gratification is hard for many brains until age 28!! And if you are talking about a neurodivergent brain, its even longer!!!
ND brains have an even harderrrrrrr time with impulse control! SO managing our expectations is CRUCIAL when it comes to wanting things.
Kids also don’t yet have the brain hardware that enables perspective taking, understanding the bigger picture, or the purpose of prioritizing where we spend our money. “i want it now” is all they have capacity for.
And yes your 12 year old son might be older, so he will be better at impulse control than your 4 year old daughter, but still, if it is something that his brain deems is A MUST HAVE, he will become a whining 4 year old, who wants it nowwwwwwww, just like the 4 year old will do with everything she wants!
If your kid was paralyzed in a wheelchair, you wouldn’t kick a soccer ball to them, and then punish them or get mad at them for not being able to kick it back to you, would you?
Why?
Because you wouldn’t set them up for failure like that.
You wouldn’t have unrealistic expectations of them.
Going into a shop with lots of amazing things and then expecting your child NOT to want stuff is simply unrealistic. They don’t have the hardware for it.
And for those of you saying ‘thats not true, one of my kids can do that’ or ‘when i was their age I didn’t ask for anything’, thats irrelevant.
If your other kid has better impulse control, cool. Good for them. They are a different person.
And if you never asked for things, cool, you are also a different person.
A lot of parents grew up with a lot of fear, scarcity, poverty, control, and physical abuse too. So a lot of ‘I never asked for things’ comes from dysfunction/trauma/fear of getting in trouble.
which isn’t ideal if we are talking about teaching. Which is really what you are after, right?
I want to teach my child about impulse control, delayed gratification, and good financial decision making.
SO if teaching is the goal, having them be in fear, or be intimidated to ask you for things certainly isn’t the answer because we know that the brain doesn’t learn during fear.
It reacts during fear with a fight/flight response.
SO if you ultimately want your child to LEARN all those things about impulse and money management, they need to be in a safe and connected relationship with you, in order to learn from you.
And once their brain is developed enough to actually execute, they will then come to you for advice because you have a long track record of making them feel safe about asking for things.
Kids inherently don’t have much power or control. Being a child is inherently vulnerable. I don’t get to decide when I eat, where I eat, what I eat.
I don’t get to wear whatever I want, when I want etc. I don’t have the ability to earn an income, or be independent with a car. If I have siblings I have even LESS of a say in what I watch on TV, or games I play, or how much time my grown ups have to spend with me.
I am dependent on my grown ups and hate that sometimes. There are a lot of micro-moments during the day for a child where the ‘I have no control in my daily life’ voice is LOUD.
And so when I ask for something and they say ‘no’, that can be the moment where I explode and all those micro-moments of anger or sadness for shoving down what I want… all come out at once.
Part 3: Grief Is a Real Emotion. Name It.
“You really wanted that and it didn’t happen. it makes sense that you are angry at me or sad at me. Your big feelings don’t overwhelm me.
“I can hold it. Tell me all the feelings that come with this item that I said we can’t buy. I can totally see why it makes you upset that I said no.
“It is soooo shit when we don’t get the things we want. I hear you dude. I have these moments alllll the time too.
“I wish we could get it too and I’m sorry its not in the plan today/able to fit in the suitcase/costs more than we have to spend in today’s budget.”
Sometimes on trips, I’ve told the kids that we have $50 for today to cover meals and activities, so its not in the budget for today to buy toys, but on Friday we have $150 for the day, so if we can wait till then, that may work!
This is also why I LOVE the Spriggy card and find it magical.
It means the kids get to earn money more via chores AND it means they can have their own money and learn how to manage it. It is also a huge sense of empowerment for them to have ‘their own money’ and can help Spicy kids especially who need a sense of power and control as a form of oxygen to survive the pain and injustice of being a child and having to depend on grown ups! 
A large part of the “I want it and you won’t buy it for me”, is more about wanting my emotions to be acknowledged and my deep feelings about it to be recognized.
Also, remember what does the ‘Y’ in my SPICY framework stand for?
“YES”
Spicy kids DO NOTTTTT like the word “No”
I would say “No” to my kids like a handful of times a year!
Why? its not worth it.
A ‘no’ to a Spicy can kickoff an epic meltdown OR hit their self-esteem in a big way.
‘No’ is a red rag to a bull!!!!
Its not that we don’t ever say ‘no’ to Spicy kids…
Its just that we understand what a ‘NO’ feels like to them, and use them sparingly.
- A ‘NO’ to some Spicy kids feels like ‘I don’t love you, I don’t care about you and don’t want to be bothered with what’s important to you’.
- A ‘no’ to a Spicy can feel like ‘I am not considered and i don’t matter’.
So sometimes you have to weigh up what the ‘no’ is doing….
‘Intent vs Impact’ is one of my golden rules!
I can have the intention that saying no is because I can’t buy everything they want AND I don’t want to raise a spoiled brat.
BUT
How does my intention land?
What is the IMPACT of my intention?
That’s what needs to be considered.
- So if my ‘no’ is going to devastate their self esteem and sense of worth/value OR is gonna kickoff a 2 hour meltdown….is it worth it?
- Will my saying ‘no’ create a huge rift in our relationship?
- Will my saying ‘no’ create a 2 hour meltdown?
Pick your battles!
What to Do Instead
So instead, we can say “ohhh that is so cool! oh i love that! what a fun toy!” or “oh thats so pretty! it has sparkles too!” (satisfies the need to be seen/heard/i matter) and then if they say ‘can i buy it?’ we say ‘lets take a photo so we can put it on our wish list and YOU can decide on Friday!”
That method then enables them to have more power and control over the decision, it builds cortex engagement (the part of the brain responsible for logic, reasoning, long term planning, understanding consequences, etc) but overall it ends with connection: I see you, I hear you, what you want matters, lets work out together how we can get the things you want, and if you don’t get what you want in life, I will be here to sit with you in the grief and pain of that unfulfilled wish.
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